In an apparent attempt to win back mainstream America, while capitalizing on the support she's garnered from political radio host Rush Limbaugh, Hillary Clinton has declared that she will disassociate herself from MoveOn.org and run on a "platform that more accurately reflects Main Street USA" than her Democratic opponent, Barack Obama.
"I'm tired of being a pawn for George Soros and MoveOn.org. I tried to be a good soldier, but I see that I've just become a target for snipers again. This time, the snipers are people who claimed to be my supporters just a few months ago. The Democratic Party, the press, even my cleaning lady...everyone has lost their senses and now support a person who has officially spent more time running for President than he spent as a US Senator in Washington. It's gotten so bad that I'm almost on the verge of tears."
Obama countered Clinton's claim by stating, "We've all heard claims in the past that weren't true. As far as I've been told, this attempted character assassination by Senator Clinton is simply wrong. This is a situation where a losing candidate is unable to come to grips with reality, and is blaming her situation on the fact that I'm a minority candidate that has curried favor with the media. Her position couldn't be any further from the truth. For more information, please see my web page, which is proudly sponsored by MoveOn.org and hosted for free by ABC News."
Clinton now says that she supports the suppression of terrorism in the Middle East, reduced taxes, a stricter immigration program that includes secure borders, and free trade. She has also filed for divorce from Wild Bill Clinton.
John McCain was unavailable for comment, because he was conducting business on the Senate floor.
-- Submitted by R Wellesley